Five Tricks to Dating Online
Dating is hard. And it’s always been hard. It was hard when you had to go out and actually meet people and it’s a different kind of hard now that the world of dating is at your fingertips with the hundreds of dating apps and websites on the market nowadays. Now, suddenly, not only are you looking for someone who fits your relationship needs, you’re also having to convince people who have never met you that you can fit their needs too. Now, I know I didn’t get my degree in Marketing, so advertising myself to the dating pool was not exactly in my depth.
Luckily, while out on the prowl for my forever partner, I picked up a few tricks along the way. And now I can share them with you so that you do not have to learn them for yourself whilst in the thick of it.
Here are five tricks I learned about successfully dating online!
Do some soul searching before you go soulmate searching.
One of the biggest things I have noticed when it comes to online dating is that most folks miss out on a big opportunity right at the beginning before they even start swiping. Here you are, looking for your perfect partner. And who exactly is that perfect partner? You have no idea! Maybe you have a vague idea of what physical traits and features turn you on, or maybe you want a date who likes movie nights with snacks over hitting up the gym after work. But take this time before even creating your dating profile to figure out the exact picture of what you are looking for.
Are you looking for marriage? Kids? Neither? Are you more of a monogamous person or is polyamory something you’re looking for in a relationship? How do you feel about long distance relationships? What are some hard No’s for you when it comes to the people you date? What things are more flexible? What kinds of trauma are you comfortable helping your partner carry? What kinds of trauma can you not help with?
These deep questions may seem a little intense for just getting started, but if you’re really motivated to find your special person (or people), it’s important information to know. Having a good layout of what you are looking for and what you are not looking for will really help set your expectations of dating going forward.
Start with the real you.
If you’ve been in the online dating scene for any length of time, you’ve probably noticed a lot of similar language in profiles. This one loves their dog, that one is looking for someone to go on adventures with, and there is yet another fan of The Office who longs for a Pam to their Jim. There’s nothing wrong with any of these things. They are safe things to say on a dating profile. However, they are probably things that potential partners will overlook just because, well, it’s what everyone says.
This may be scary, but don’t shy away from being real on your dating profile. The key to attracting better quality matches is a better quality profile, which includes things that are out of the norm. Share your hobbies, interests, and quirks, even if you are worried you’ll look weird. If a potential date is going to think that what makes you you is “weird,” they’re not the right person for you. Better to weed out the bad matches in the early stages than go on a date and catch feelings for someone you can’t be yourself around. In the end, it’ll save you both time and heartache.
Treat the date like an interview.
When I was about to graduate and was applying for jobs, my boss at my college job told me, “You are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. They may decide to offer you a job, but if the company isn’t a good fit for you, you don’t have to accept it.” The same advice applies to dating as well. When you are on a date, it can be easy to forget that they need to impress you as much as you need to impress them.
Of course, it can be rough if you like the person and they don’t like you back. But viewing the first few dates as a series of interviews where you are both checking out each other for the position of “partner” can put it all into perspective. Shift your focus from impressing your date to allowing them to impress you.
Have an objective support network.
Dating is fun! Getting to know new people and learn about the chemistry of all the connections you are making is extremely enjoyable. And it’s nice to get swept up in all the romance that movies, TV shows, and novels have foretold. All said, it can be difficult to remain objective during the dating process. And that’s totally okay. That’s where an objective support network comes in.
An objective support network can be anything: family, friends, even a dating coach. But their main function is to keep your relationship goals in mind and keep you accountable to those goals when maybe things are getting a little dicey. Are you seeing someone who really wants kids when you have decided you definitely don’t want them? Is this person asking you to pick up and move far away when you’re comfortable and well-established in your community? Would this person struggle with understanding your trauma or boundaries because they lack the same kind of life experience that you have? Your support network can remind you of what you determined to be important to you and keep you on track toward the right connections that can go the distance, not just the ones that feel good in the moment.
Be yourself.
This may seem like a re-hash of number 2. But it carries through from just the beginning stages of the relationship. So many relationships fail because one or all parties tried to hide their true selves from their partners until they get too tired to hide anymore. Then, everything comes out and it can feel like you never really knew your partner at all. Those weird quirks, those deep traumas, those wants and needs that might make you seem unreasonable, these are all things that you should be up front about with potential partners.
Now, I’m not saying that you need to launch into all your baggage when you’re on a first date with someone. But don’t actively hide those things because you feel they make you less desirable. Those things are a part of you and any potential partner should be able to know what they are getting into. And they should share that with you, too. Being honest and yourself while dating allows your potential partner to fully understand what they are consenting to by entering a relationship with you.
This doesn’t just mean heavy things like trauma. It can also mean your particular brand of Weird, because we all have one. When you’re looking for that long-term relationship partner, you want someone whose brand of Weird matches your own. It certainly makes spending time with each other much more enjoyable. So don’t hide your Weirdness and encourage your date to share their Weirdness with you too!
Dating online can feel like the lawless wild west of social interaction. But it doesn’t have to be so hard. By being honest with yourself and with your potential partners, releasing the urge to hide yourself in order to impress someone else, and having accountability from trusted sources to stay true to your needs, dating online is much easier and much more fun as well!